"CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SHOUTING!"
Everyone in McDonald's turned around and looked straight at John.
John, a mid thirty's man, in too tight skinny jeans and a pink polo shirt. Hes on his hands free while scoffing down a double cheese burger.
"I don't care how long it will take...just make sure its there when I get back"....John still not noticing that he is the centre of attention.
Mrs Brown sits close to John but not on the same table. We`re not sure if they know each other or not. She is facing him but not conversing with John. Mrs Brown was 23 when England last won the World Cup....(a clue on her age)
The twins, Bob and Sarah. Age 7. They run around still hungry after their Happy Meal. Demanding a Rolo Mc Flurry and a cake just like the one sitting on the table in front of John.
"I need it for work!" John, still shouting and eating and drinking.
A tall gentle man, dressed like the late Pavarotti enters with his arms wide and strong.
"GO COMPARE! GO COMPARE......"
John stands and headbutts the curly mustached man.... still dealing with 3 on his hands free.
The twins swing on both his arms like a jungle gym...while Mrs Brown stands....eyes up the goal...takes two steps back and visualizes Beckhams kicking technique in her head. She takes a good run up to the Balls.
* Lesson learnt today is- Don't Eat McDonald's, they make you want to Kill the man from the Go Compare advert. *
Things that she would like to share with you today...... Whatever!
Friday 2 July 2010
Thursday 1 July 2010
Comedy Event -MIXED MEDIA GOLD - 15 July 2010
A comedy and music night on 15 July 2010.
Details below. starts at 8pm.
Limited seating so be there in plenty of time if you are interested!!!
******MIXED MEDIA GOLD IS BACK******
15 July 2010 at The Albany near Great Portland Street Station.
----------------10 acts------1 Night-------100% FUN!----------------
MMG is a night of BEST OF ALL! Film, Music, Magic, Comedy, Sexy Characters....we have it all!
THE LINE-UP :-
TOBY- Sisters Sarah and Lizzie perform inappropriate sketches in a bid to win their mothers`s attention.
BENNETT ARRON - Welsh, Jeswish Comic try some of his Edinburgh Show 2010
TJ HANBURY - Naughty Magician!
SUZI RUFFELL - Brilliant New popular comic on the circuit. One to keep an eye on!!!
Ben Kewin from COMEDY BITCH - trying out some of his Edinburgh Show 2010
SEGUE SISTERS - Singing the songs you love with a sexy Segue Twist
SHIRLEY WINDMILL- Does a little bit of Beautifully Naughty x
MIKE HAYLEY - Does his amazingly funny Character - Clovis Van Darkhelm!
Hosted by the MOONFISH RHUMBA - Funny, Musical naughty boys tease your senses and leave you wanting more and more.
*******************SPECIAL GUEST!!!!!!!!!*****************
All the way from Oz THE AMAZING - WAYNE DEAKIN!!!
A regular headliner at all Australian comedy venues, Wayne also tours constantly throughout the USA and Canada. Currently based in London, he works the Comedy Store, Jongleurs and Glee Clubs as well as touring Asia, the Middle East and the Isle of Man.
As well as his solo Melbourne Comedy Festival shows, His New York tours included consecutive nights at Carolines, New Yorks premier comedy venue and headlining New York Improv. Performing at the Montreal Comedy Festival and doing a week as MC at the world famous Laff Trax in Las Vegas are current career highlights. Wayne also performed in front of 14,000 people at the 2004 and 2006 Meredith Music Festival and 24,000 at 2005 The Falls Festival.
Wayne also tours with the Australian Defence Forces and British Army in East Timor, Sinai, Cyprus and various tours of the Middle East.
In 2007 Wayne toured Iraq and Afghanistan doing gigs for the diggers. As scary as it was edifying; it remains one of the best things Wayne has ever been involved in.
Wayne starred in and produced Channel 31's highest ever rating show, Tiger TV and can be seen on the Comedy Channel show "Stand Up Australia" and the American reality show "Last Comic Standing".
Wayne is also known as 'Deaks' performing weekly on the top rating "Hughsey & Kate" breakfast show on Nova 100 in Melbourne.
********************* WHAT A SHOW!!!!*********************
We would love to see you there; The Albany is a great venue and a wicked place to bring a girlfriend/boyfriend/lover/blind date/mistress/sugar daddy/G.P/Neighbour/Dad/Dad's boyfriend/imaginary Friend/spirit....beer.
Tickets are £8/ £7 with the pass word - SUGAR TITS
Facebook link - http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=102599746457666
Thursday 24 June 2010
Saturday 24 April 2010
Am I Lost?
Do you ever wake up and really think..... what am I doing here? I don't mean, one night stands and inside out pants. What am I actually doing on this planet? What is my reason for existence? Why are we born? Why do we die? Is there a goal we should all be following? Did anyone ever know why we are here? Who was it that forgot to pass on all this information?
I plan to find out all the answers. I love life, I thinks its pretty cool. But the reality of it all is that we are animals, we; eat,sleep,move,communicate, work, reproduce and wank. Isn't there something we should be working towards??? Isn't the world meant to flood in the next 50 years and possibly implode? So whats the point in reproducing? when there will be no habitat?!
Is our existence a test? ....a test of many maybe?.... before we actually start life number two.
I want to know why I am here.... are we here for different aims? Are our illnesses a test of strength? determination? courage?
Is there something waiting to be revealed when we die? Like a film of all the best bits of your life.
So yeah, just have a thing. Then tell me what you think x
I plan to find out all the answers. I love life, I thinks its pretty cool. But the reality of it all is that we are animals, we; eat,sleep,move,communicate, work, reproduce and wank. Isn't there something we should be working towards??? Isn't the world meant to flood in the next 50 years and possibly implode? So whats the point in reproducing? when there will be no habitat?!
Is our existence a test? ....a test of many maybe?.... before we actually start life number two.
I want to know why I am here.... are we here for different aims? Are our illnesses a test of strength? determination? courage?
Is there something waiting to be revealed when we die? Like a film of all the best bits of your life.
So yeah, just have a thing. Then tell me what you think x
Friday 26 March 2010
Oh Johnny!
John woke up. Not in his bed. Who`s bed is this? John was used to his sexy stained, bare mattress with Ikeas best quilt covers, just thrown over for effect. Instead he was spread across some kind of giant flowery goodness. It was comfortable, slightly arousing but most importantly, just a little bit fucking weird. There were pillows everywhere on the floor around the bed, you know the ones posh people have "just for show".
He wasn't ready to call out "Hello", until he was certain where he was and why, not really worried about how, he still had his legs. Lovely legs in fact, lovely long naked leg`s. He was totally naked! Not only was he in a room that smelt slightly like his aunty Val, he was totally naked and no sign of his trousers...shirt....socks even! Or pants! (but how would I know? Maybe he wasn't wearing any pants? I wasn't there was I? Im only the fucking writer, I don't know all the facts ok?! God!)
The sweat is pouring down his forehead, from the worry that he may have actually fucked his aunty Val.
"Val?", he call`s!
(Yeah! I know! STUPID!)
John slips his naked body out of bed to take a peek out the window, maybe a street name might recall some memories. A man with a large beard, and not a Sexy Santa beard, more like a rapey beard, is stood outside with a lawn mower. He looks like he`s just getting started. The Rapey Lawn Mower Man looks up at the house, straight into the bedroom where John has his cock out.
To be continued........
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Tuesday 23 March 2010
The Man and His Empty Glass.
A man looks at a woman, watches her from the corner of a bar. His both hands grasping his pint of Amstell top. Hes alone. He continues to watch her being bought drinks by tall, handsome men in suites. She, is a smart, young woman, making polite chat. But there is no spark in her eyes. Shes bored. The man can see her face struggling to smile. He looks deep into her eyes. Shes empty, blank, lost. The Amstell top has finished. The clean bottom glass and the Man shift from foot to foot. Does he buy another? Does he say Hello to the young woman. Has she been watching him?
He moved to the bar, still watching her, there has been no eyes contact. There is a gap in the circle of men around the Woman. He slides along the bar, getting closer and closer. He can feel her hearbeat, he can see her chest rising and falling with every breath she makes. Her hand is softly laid on the bar, no ring. Her soft skin, so close now to his nervouse palm. The man opens his mouth and starts to talk.
"Hello, there. I hope you dont mind me asking but, who is your surgeon? He has done a great job on your face!"
The woman is shocked and slightly amused by his cheek.
"Oh, well...Hello. Im proud to say I dont have a plastic surgeon and to make it up to me you can buy me a drink!"
The man replies quickly "Im getting an Amstell"
Woman- "Please! with a top".
He moved to the bar, still watching her, there has been no eyes contact. There is a gap in the circle of men around the Woman. He slides along the bar, getting closer and closer. He can feel her hearbeat, he can see her chest rising and falling with every breath she makes. Her hand is softly laid on the bar, no ring. Her soft skin, so close now to his nervouse palm. The man opens his mouth and starts to talk.
"Hello, there. I hope you dont mind me asking but, who is your surgeon? He has done a great job on your face!"
The woman is shocked and slightly amused by his cheek.
"Oh, well...Hello. Im proud to say I dont have a plastic surgeon and to make it up to me you can buy me a drink!"
The man replies quickly "Im getting an Amstell"
Woman- "Please! with a top".
Sunday 7 February 2010
I CAN SING
Once apon a time, Miss Hanbury remembered that she is a actress and was magically asked to do "some acting". The script was funny and the director lovely, only thing.... I had to be 17. This I did by being myself. All 17 year olds act 22. Its what all 17 year old girls are really good at. Well done!
Dave Floreze and I had lots of fun. Dave`s character was a typical giging comedian, touring the states, trying to make it big. I played his persistent fan. The annoying type. I had to bring him Wispas and had his name printed across my t-shirt.
I like acting.
The Segue Sisters have really been pretty busy so far this year. We do have our last gig tomorrow in Stock well before the lovely Carrie (middle Segue) goes away to the sexy land of Oz till the end of May. She is very lovely and we all could do with a little time off to get ready for the summer gigs/festivals.
My sister moved to Oz 1 year ago, yesterday. Its weird because it does feel like longer and now i try and remember what it was like when she wasnt on the other side of the world. I miss her SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Much and would run through my street naked if some one would pay for my tickets there and back. Bout time I got something from it.
I shaved some hair off my arm the other day, just to see how Hairy the hairs would grow back.....conclusion- too soon to tell. Investigation still in progress.
I need a new hair style. sorry typing out loud.
Do you cook your salmon in the microwave or oven? and why?
Ive started to use my oven more and I love baked taste. So it makes sense to use it so.
I have started teaching singing to friends and friend of friends. In their houses. Its the only way to have a good snoop. try it! just say YOU CAN SING and would you like a lesson. easier in your house.
Pink and orange should be worn together.
THATS ALL.
Sorry there is no funny im just fucking shattered
Dave Floreze and I had lots of fun. Dave`s character was a typical giging comedian, touring the states, trying to make it big. I played his persistent fan. The annoying type. I had to bring him Wispas and had his name printed across my t-shirt.
I like acting.
The Segue Sisters have really been pretty busy so far this year. We do have our last gig tomorrow in Stock well before the lovely Carrie (middle Segue) goes away to the sexy land of Oz till the end of May. She is very lovely and we all could do with a little time off to get ready for the summer gigs/festivals.
My sister moved to Oz 1 year ago, yesterday. Its weird because it does feel like longer and now i try and remember what it was like when she wasnt on the other side of the world. I miss her SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Much and would run through my street naked if some one would pay for my tickets there and back. Bout time I got something from it.
I shaved some hair off my arm the other day, just to see how Hairy the hairs would grow back.....conclusion- too soon to tell. Investigation still in progress.
I need a new hair style. sorry typing out loud.
Do you cook your salmon in the microwave or oven? and why?
Ive started to use my oven more and I love baked taste. So it makes sense to use it so.
I have started teaching singing to friends and friend of friends. In their houses. Its the only way to have a good snoop. try it! just say YOU CAN SING and would you like a lesson. easier in your house.
Pink and orange should be worn together.
THATS ALL.
Sorry there is no funny im just fucking shattered
Thursday 14 January 2010
Beep Beep Beep
When you walk through the beeping doors and find a dusty seat next to a man in tweed, do you worry that he may know that your wearing the make-up from the night before. Does the Tweed man smell the sweet scent of perfume, smoke, coffee, whisky and cheddars?
You look around at everyone else . . . . are they also wearing their knickers inside out?
I did some research and found that 8 out of ten or 80% of people were Not.
Pretend to sleep and count the stops before closing your eyes to open then just as you arrive at your stop and calmly walk back through the beeping doors.
A tip of where to stand when waiting for the tube doors arrival. The tube name signs on the adjacent wall are placed directly between the joining of each carriage....next to the doors.
I have mastered this skill and another slight skill is angling your body ready for people to get off the train first. This has freaked out a lot of my friends. Try It.
Don't share sweets on the tube. Don't eat on the tube. It smells and pisses people off. I ate a magnum on the tube this week as if it was summer. Mad!
I have orange nail vanish on. Please keep an eye out for the most popular nail vanishes for me, please, I'm going shopping soon and hate being cool.
I am currently dealing the best grit on the street. Available now and delivers to your door step.
Mwah mwah, yes, double kiss.
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Thursday 7 January 2010
Snow BAAAAAAAAALLs!
Pretty Rain
Toasty Toes
Snow Man Spirit
Full on Potatoes
Toasty Toes
Snow Man Spirit
Full on Potatoes
Ice-olate ice rink
Danger Dust
Devils Dandruff
Grit Gobblers
TFL Swine Flu
Lazy London
Work NO
Pub Yes
(08453017641 - call this to check for full road/rail/sky updates)
Monday 4 January 2010
Slight January Blues
Why at the start of a new year, do i sit and reflect so much on the year that has gone and ended, 4 days ago.
New years celebrations always roll over into the fresh, spanking new, crisp clean year shortly followed with the biggest mofo hangover anyone could wish on (that man who hasn't invented a pill that makes hangovers magically disappear.)
January already has that feeling that its going to fly by. I haven't made any changes or going to change anything about myself for anyone or anything in 2010. Its just another year. Not another planet.
I have 3 draws in my bedroom that are full of bits and bobs. Receipts, batteries, foreigne coins, tea lights, jewelery, bra`s, books, pens etc... can someone please come and sort them out so I have some where to put my new receipts, batteries, foreigne coins, tea lights, jewelery, bra`s, pens etc... Ta x
2010 tele has began, ITV has a new dating show called "Take Me Out", Paddy McGuinness is hosting it with his face. The show has 30 women from all over the UK stood behind their own pillars with buzzers on top which activates a light to go off. The girls are then introduced to a guy who is looking for a girl to go on a date with him. There are 3 or 4 rounds which the girls get to know a little bit more about the guy. When ever they think hes not right for them, the girls can turn off their light. Fun! I was actually a reserve girl for the show, I sat in the green room while watching the girls I had spent the week with in rehearsals on tele. I have done t.v work before but not a "Game Show". We all had to wear what we would wear if we were going out on a Saturday night clubbing!!!
Right! I don't go clubbing, I was 17 when I last went clubbing and I cant fit in to those jeans anymore. So took some pretty dresses, comfy shoes...but nice. I was pretty surprised to see what some of the other girls had brought to wear. I did realize it was a t.v show but really girls. I love you all but those tits are basically resting on your buzzer. Fake eye lashes, extensions galore and the highest high heal shoes I have ever seen. Each to their own. I couldn't make the filming for the rest of the shows so ya wont see me on it. But still keep in touch with a few of the girls so fingers crossed they get a man...somewhere....somehow.
Dr Who Mr Tennnnnnannnnnnts gone. I'm sad. I only tarted watching it because it was that guy who was played Casanova in the t.v series. He was a great Dr, loved his acting and loved his passion. Lets hope Mr Smith all the best for his star turn.
Celebrity Big Bother...sorry, Big Brother. Sorry. Just not worth writing about really is it. Don't watch it. Paint by numbers instead.
I am now off to sleep and will hopefully wake with a plan of what to do in 2010. I have ideas and aims but all a bit high at the moment. Maybe I should start with those 3 draws and see where my new bra`s take me! maybe to a new man, new job, new goal, a Happier Year x
New years celebrations always roll over into the fresh, spanking new, crisp clean year shortly followed with the biggest mofo hangover anyone could wish on (that man who hasn't invented a pill that makes hangovers magically disappear.)
January already has that feeling that its going to fly by. I haven't made any changes or going to change anything about myself for anyone or anything in 2010. Its just another year. Not another planet.
I have 3 draws in my bedroom that are full of bits and bobs. Receipts, batteries, foreigne coins, tea lights, jewelery, bra`s, books, pens etc... can someone please come and sort them out so I have some where to put my new receipts, batteries, foreigne coins, tea lights, jewelery, bra`s, pens etc... Ta x
2010 tele has began, ITV has a new dating show called "Take Me Out", Paddy McGuinness is hosting it with his face. The show has 30 women from all over the UK stood behind their own pillars with buzzers on top which activates a light to go off. The girls are then introduced to a guy who is looking for a girl to go on a date with him. There are 3 or 4 rounds which the girls get to know a little bit more about the guy. When ever they think hes not right for them, the girls can turn off their light. Fun! I was actually a reserve girl for the show, I sat in the green room while watching the girls I had spent the week with in rehearsals on tele. I have done t.v work before but not a "Game Show". We all had to wear what we would wear if we were going out on a Saturday night clubbing!!!
Right! I don't go clubbing, I was 17 when I last went clubbing and I cant fit in to those jeans anymore. So took some pretty dresses, comfy shoes...but nice. I was pretty surprised to see what some of the other girls had brought to wear. I did realize it was a t.v show but really girls. I love you all but those tits are basically resting on your buzzer. Fake eye lashes, extensions galore and the highest high heal shoes I have ever seen. Each to their own. I couldn't make the filming for the rest of the shows so ya wont see me on it. But still keep in touch with a few of the girls so fingers crossed they get a man...somewhere....somehow.
Dr Who Mr Tennnnnnannnnnnts gone. I'm sad. I only tarted watching it because it was that guy who was played Casanova in the t.v series. He was a great Dr, loved his acting and loved his passion. Lets hope Mr Smith all the best for his star turn.
Celebrity Big Bother...sorry, Big Brother. Sorry. Just not worth writing about really is it. Don't watch it. Paint by numbers instead.
I am now off to sleep and will hopefully wake with a plan of what to do in 2010. I have ideas and aims but all a bit high at the moment. Maybe I should start with those 3 draws and see where my new bra`s take me! maybe to a new man, new job, new goal, a Happier Year x
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