"CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SHOUTING!"
Everyone in McDonald's turned around and looked straight at John.
John, a mid thirty's man, in too tight skinny jeans and a pink polo shirt. Hes on his hands free while scoffing down a double cheese burger.
"I don't care how long it will take...just make sure its there when I get back"....John still not noticing that he is the centre of attention.
Mrs Brown sits close to John but not on the same table. We`re not sure if they know each other or not. She is facing him but not conversing with John. Mrs Brown was 23 when England last won the World Cup....(a clue on her age)
The twins, Bob and Sarah. Age 7. They run around still hungry after their Happy Meal. Demanding a Rolo Mc Flurry and a cake just like the one sitting on the table in front of John.
"I need it for work!" John, still shouting and eating and drinking.
A tall gentle man, dressed like the late Pavarotti enters with his arms wide and strong.
"GO COMPARE! GO COMPARE......"
John stands and headbutts the curly mustached man.... still dealing with 3 on his hands free.
The twins swing on both his arms like a jungle gym...while Mrs Brown stands....eyes up the goal...takes two steps back and visualizes Beckhams kicking technique in her head. She takes a good run up to the Balls.
* Lesson learnt today is- Don't Eat McDonald's, they make you want to Kill the man from the Go Compare advert. *
Things that she would like to share with you today...... Whatever!
Friday, 2 July 2010
Thursday, 1 July 2010
Comedy Event -MIXED MEDIA GOLD - 15 July 2010
A comedy and music night on 15 July 2010.
Details below. starts at 8pm.
Limited seating so be there in plenty of time if you are interested!!!
******MIXED MEDIA GOLD IS BACK******
15 July 2010 at The Albany near Great Portland Street Station.
----------------10 acts------1 Night-------100% FUN!----------------
MMG is a night of BEST OF ALL! Film, Music, Magic, Comedy, Sexy Characters....we have it all!
THE LINE-UP :-
TOBY- Sisters Sarah and Lizzie perform inappropriate sketches in a bid to win their mothers`s attention.
BENNETT ARRON - Welsh, Jeswish Comic try some of his Edinburgh Show 2010
TJ HANBURY - Naughty Magician!
SUZI RUFFELL - Brilliant New popular comic on the circuit. One to keep an eye on!!!
Ben Kewin from COMEDY BITCH - trying out some of his Edinburgh Show 2010
SEGUE SISTERS - Singing the songs you love with a sexy Segue Twist
SHIRLEY WINDMILL- Does a little bit of Beautifully Naughty x
MIKE HAYLEY - Does his amazingly funny Character - Clovis Van Darkhelm!
Hosted by the MOONFISH RHUMBA - Funny, Musical naughty boys tease your senses and leave you wanting more and more.
*******************SPECIAL GUEST!!!!!!!!!*****************
All the way from Oz THE AMAZING - WAYNE DEAKIN!!!
A regular headliner at all Australian comedy venues, Wayne also tours constantly throughout the USA and Canada. Currently based in London, he works the Comedy Store, Jongleurs and Glee Clubs as well as touring Asia, the Middle East and the Isle of Man.
As well as his solo Melbourne Comedy Festival shows, His New York tours included consecutive nights at Carolines, New Yorks premier comedy venue and headlining New York Improv. Performing at the Montreal Comedy Festival and doing a week as MC at the world famous Laff Trax in Las Vegas are current career highlights. Wayne also performed in front of 14,000 people at the 2004 and 2006 Meredith Music Festival and 24,000 at 2005 The Falls Festival.
Wayne also tours with the Australian Defence Forces and British Army in East Timor, Sinai, Cyprus and various tours of the Middle East.
In 2007 Wayne toured Iraq and Afghanistan doing gigs for the diggers. As scary as it was edifying; it remains one of the best things Wayne has ever been involved in.
Wayne starred in and produced Channel 31's highest ever rating show, Tiger TV and can be seen on the Comedy Channel show "Stand Up Australia" and the American reality show "Last Comic Standing".
Wayne is also known as 'Deaks' performing weekly on the top rating "Hughsey & Kate" breakfast show on Nova 100 in Melbourne.
********************* WHAT A SHOW!!!!*********************
We would love to see you there; The Albany is a great venue and a wicked place to bring a girlfriend/boyfriend/lover/blind date/mistress/sugar daddy/G.P/Neighbour/Dad/Dad's boyfriend/imaginary Friend/spirit....beer.
Tickets are £8/ £7 with the pass word - SUGAR TITS
Facebook link - http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=102599746457666
Thursday, 24 June 2010
Saturday, 24 April 2010
Am I Lost?
Do you ever wake up and really think..... what am I doing here? I don't mean, one night stands and inside out pants. What am I actually doing on this planet? What is my reason for existence? Why are we born? Why do we die? Is there a goal we should all be following? Did anyone ever know why we are here? Who was it that forgot to pass on all this information?
I plan to find out all the answers. I love life, I thinks its pretty cool. But the reality of it all is that we are animals, we; eat,sleep,move,communicate, work, reproduce and wank. Isn't there something we should be working towards??? Isn't the world meant to flood in the next 50 years and possibly implode? So whats the point in reproducing? when there will be no habitat?!
Is our existence a test? ....a test of many maybe?.... before we actually start life number two.
I want to know why I am here.... are we here for different aims? Are our illnesses a test of strength? determination? courage?
Is there something waiting to be revealed when we die? Like a film of all the best bits of your life.
So yeah, just have a thing. Then tell me what you think x
I plan to find out all the answers. I love life, I thinks its pretty cool. But the reality of it all is that we are animals, we; eat,sleep,move,communicate, work, reproduce and wank. Isn't there something we should be working towards??? Isn't the world meant to flood in the next 50 years and possibly implode? So whats the point in reproducing? when there will be no habitat?!
Is our existence a test? ....a test of many maybe?.... before we actually start life number two.
I want to know why I am here.... are we here for different aims? Are our illnesses a test of strength? determination? courage?
Is there something waiting to be revealed when we die? Like a film of all the best bits of your life.
So yeah, just have a thing. Then tell me what you think x
Friday, 26 March 2010
Oh Johnny!
John woke up. Not in his bed. Who`s bed is this? John was used to his sexy stained, bare mattress with Ikeas best quilt covers, just thrown over for effect. Instead he was spread across some kind of giant flowery goodness. It was comfortable, slightly arousing but most importantly, just a little bit fucking weird. There were pillows everywhere on the floor around the bed, you know the ones posh people have "just for show".
He wasn't ready to call out "Hello", until he was certain where he was and why, not really worried about how, he still had his legs. Lovely legs in fact, lovely long naked leg`s. He was totally naked! Not only was he in a room that smelt slightly like his aunty Val, he was totally naked and no sign of his trousers...shirt....socks even! Or pants! (but how would I know? Maybe he wasn't wearing any pants? I wasn't there was I? Im only the fucking writer, I don't know all the facts ok?! God!)
The sweat is pouring down his forehead, from the worry that he may have actually fucked his aunty Val.
"Val?", he call`s!
(Yeah! I know! STUPID!)
John slips his naked body out of bed to take a peek out the window, maybe a street name might recall some memories. A man with a large beard, and not a Sexy Santa beard, more like a rapey beard, is stood outside with a lawn mower. He looks like he`s just getting started. The Rapey Lawn Mower Man looks up at the house, straight into the bedroom where John has his cock out.
To be continued........
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Tuesday, 23 March 2010
The Man and His Empty Glass.
A man looks at a woman, watches her from the corner of a bar. His both hands grasping his pint of Amstell top. Hes alone. He continues to watch her being bought drinks by tall, handsome men in suites. She, is a smart, young woman, making polite chat. But there is no spark in her eyes. Shes bored. The man can see her face struggling to smile. He looks deep into her eyes. Shes empty, blank, lost. The Amstell top has finished. The clean bottom glass and the Man shift from foot to foot. Does he buy another? Does he say Hello to the young woman. Has she been watching him?
He moved to the bar, still watching her, there has been no eyes contact. There is a gap in the circle of men around the Woman. He slides along the bar, getting closer and closer. He can feel her hearbeat, he can see her chest rising and falling with every breath she makes. Her hand is softly laid on the bar, no ring. Her soft skin, so close now to his nervouse palm. The man opens his mouth and starts to talk.
"Hello, there. I hope you dont mind me asking but, who is your surgeon? He has done a great job on your face!"
The woman is shocked and slightly amused by his cheek.
"Oh, well...Hello. Im proud to say I dont have a plastic surgeon and to make it up to me you can buy me a drink!"
The man replies quickly "Im getting an Amstell"
Woman- "Please! with a top".
He moved to the bar, still watching her, there has been no eyes contact. There is a gap in the circle of men around the Woman. He slides along the bar, getting closer and closer. He can feel her hearbeat, he can see her chest rising and falling with every breath she makes. Her hand is softly laid on the bar, no ring. Her soft skin, so close now to his nervouse palm. The man opens his mouth and starts to talk.
"Hello, there. I hope you dont mind me asking but, who is your surgeon? He has done a great job on your face!"
The woman is shocked and slightly amused by his cheek.
"Oh, well...Hello. Im proud to say I dont have a plastic surgeon and to make it up to me you can buy me a drink!"
The man replies quickly "Im getting an Amstell"
Woman- "Please! with a top".
Sunday, 7 February 2010
I CAN SING
Once apon a time, Miss Hanbury remembered that she is a actress and was magically asked to do "some acting". The script was funny and the director lovely, only thing.... I had to be 17. This I did by being myself. All 17 year olds act 22. Its what all 17 year old girls are really good at. Well done!
Dave Floreze and I had lots of fun. Dave`s character was a typical giging comedian, touring the states, trying to make it big. I played his persistent fan. The annoying type. I had to bring him Wispas and had his name printed across my t-shirt.
I like acting.
The Segue Sisters have really been pretty busy so far this year. We do have our last gig tomorrow in Stock well before the lovely Carrie (middle Segue) goes away to the sexy land of Oz till the end of May. She is very lovely and we all could do with a little time off to get ready for the summer gigs/festivals.
My sister moved to Oz 1 year ago, yesterday. Its weird because it does feel like longer and now i try and remember what it was like when she wasnt on the other side of the world. I miss her SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Much and would run through my street naked if some one would pay for my tickets there and back. Bout time I got something from it.
I shaved some hair off my arm the other day, just to see how Hairy the hairs would grow back.....conclusion- too soon to tell. Investigation still in progress.
I need a new hair style. sorry typing out loud.
Do you cook your salmon in the microwave or oven? and why?
Ive started to use my oven more and I love baked taste. So it makes sense to use it so.
I have started teaching singing to friends and friend of friends. In their houses. Its the only way to have a good snoop. try it! just say YOU CAN SING and would you like a lesson. easier in your house.
Pink and orange should be worn together.
THATS ALL.
Sorry there is no funny im just fucking shattered
Dave Floreze and I had lots of fun. Dave`s character was a typical giging comedian, touring the states, trying to make it big. I played his persistent fan. The annoying type. I had to bring him Wispas and had his name printed across my t-shirt.
I like acting.
The Segue Sisters have really been pretty busy so far this year. We do have our last gig tomorrow in Stock well before the lovely Carrie (middle Segue) goes away to the sexy land of Oz till the end of May. She is very lovely and we all could do with a little time off to get ready for the summer gigs/festivals.
My sister moved to Oz 1 year ago, yesterday. Its weird because it does feel like longer and now i try and remember what it was like when she wasnt on the other side of the world. I miss her SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Much and would run through my street naked if some one would pay for my tickets there and back. Bout time I got something from it.
I shaved some hair off my arm the other day, just to see how Hairy the hairs would grow back.....conclusion- too soon to tell. Investigation still in progress.
I need a new hair style. sorry typing out loud.
Do you cook your salmon in the microwave or oven? and why?
Ive started to use my oven more and I love baked taste. So it makes sense to use it so.
I have started teaching singing to friends and friend of friends. In their houses. Its the only way to have a good snoop. try it! just say YOU CAN SING and would you like a lesson. easier in your house.
Pink and orange should be worn together.
THATS ALL.
Sorry there is no funny im just fucking shattered
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Beep Beep Beep
When you walk through the beeping doors and find a dusty seat next to a man in tweed, do you worry that he may know that your wearing the make-up from the night before. Does the Tweed man smell the sweet scent of perfume, smoke, coffee, whisky and cheddars?
You look around at everyone else . . . . are they also wearing their knickers inside out?
I did some research and found that 8 out of ten or 80% of people were Not.
Pretend to sleep and count the stops before closing your eyes to open then just as you arrive at your stop and calmly walk back through the beeping doors.
A tip of where to stand when waiting for the tube doors arrival. The tube name signs on the adjacent wall are placed directly between the joining of each carriage....next to the doors.
I have mastered this skill and another slight skill is angling your body ready for people to get off the train first. This has freaked out a lot of my friends. Try It.
Don't share sweets on the tube. Don't eat on the tube. It smells and pisses people off. I ate a magnum on the tube this week as if it was summer. Mad!
I have orange nail vanish on. Please keep an eye out for the most popular nail vanishes for me, please, I'm going shopping soon and hate being cool.
I am currently dealing the best grit on the street. Available now and delivers to your door step.
Mwah mwah, yes, double kiss.
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Thursday, 7 January 2010
Snow BAAAAAAAAALLs!
Pretty Rain
Toasty Toes
Snow Man Spirit
Full on Potatoes
Toasty Toes
Snow Man Spirit
Full on Potatoes
Ice-olate ice rink
Danger Dust
Devils Dandruff
Grit Gobblers
TFL Swine Flu
Lazy London
Work NO
Pub Yes
(08453017641 - call this to check for full road/rail/sky updates)
Monday, 4 January 2010
Slight January Blues
Why at the start of a new year, do i sit and reflect so much on the year that has gone and ended, 4 days ago.
New years celebrations always roll over into the fresh, spanking new, crisp clean year shortly followed with the biggest mofo hangover anyone could wish on (that man who hasn't invented a pill that makes hangovers magically disappear.)
January already has that feeling that its going to fly by. I haven't made any changes or going to change anything about myself for anyone or anything in 2010. Its just another year. Not another planet.
I have 3 draws in my bedroom that are full of bits and bobs. Receipts, batteries, foreigne coins, tea lights, jewelery, bra`s, books, pens etc... can someone please come and sort them out so I have some where to put my new receipts, batteries, foreigne coins, tea lights, jewelery, bra`s, pens etc... Ta x
2010 tele has began, ITV has a new dating show called "Take Me Out", Paddy McGuinness is hosting it with his face. The show has 30 women from all over the UK stood behind their own pillars with buzzers on top which activates a light to go off. The girls are then introduced to a guy who is looking for a girl to go on a date with him. There are 3 or 4 rounds which the girls get to know a little bit more about the guy. When ever they think hes not right for them, the girls can turn off their light. Fun! I was actually a reserve girl for the show, I sat in the green room while watching the girls I had spent the week with in rehearsals on tele. I have done t.v work before but not a "Game Show". We all had to wear what we would wear if we were going out on a Saturday night clubbing!!!
Right! I don't go clubbing, I was 17 when I last went clubbing and I cant fit in to those jeans anymore. So took some pretty dresses, comfy shoes...but nice. I was pretty surprised to see what some of the other girls had brought to wear. I did realize it was a t.v show but really girls. I love you all but those tits are basically resting on your buzzer. Fake eye lashes, extensions galore and the highest high heal shoes I have ever seen. Each to their own. I couldn't make the filming for the rest of the shows so ya wont see me on it. But still keep in touch with a few of the girls so fingers crossed they get a man...somewhere....somehow.
Dr Who Mr Tennnnnnannnnnnts gone. I'm sad. I only tarted watching it because it was that guy who was played Casanova in the t.v series. He was a great Dr, loved his acting and loved his passion. Lets hope Mr Smith all the best for his star turn.
Celebrity Big Bother...sorry, Big Brother. Sorry. Just not worth writing about really is it. Don't watch it. Paint by numbers instead.
I am now off to sleep and will hopefully wake with a plan of what to do in 2010. I have ideas and aims but all a bit high at the moment. Maybe I should start with those 3 draws and see where my new bra`s take me! maybe to a new man, new job, new goal, a Happier Year x
New years celebrations always roll over into the fresh, spanking new, crisp clean year shortly followed with the biggest mofo hangover anyone could wish on (that man who hasn't invented a pill that makes hangovers magically disappear.)
January already has that feeling that its going to fly by. I haven't made any changes or going to change anything about myself for anyone or anything in 2010. Its just another year. Not another planet.
I have 3 draws in my bedroom that are full of bits and bobs. Receipts, batteries, foreigne coins, tea lights, jewelery, bra`s, books, pens etc... can someone please come and sort them out so I have some where to put my new receipts, batteries, foreigne coins, tea lights, jewelery, bra`s, pens etc... Ta x
2010 tele has began, ITV has a new dating show called "Take Me Out", Paddy McGuinness is hosting it with his face. The show has 30 women from all over the UK stood behind their own pillars with buzzers on top which activates a light to go off. The girls are then introduced to a guy who is looking for a girl to go on a date with him. There are 3 or 4 rounds which the girls get to know a little bit more about the guy. When ever they think hes not right for them, the girls can turn off their light. Fun! I was actually a reserve girl for the show, I sat in the green room while watching the girls I had spent the week with in rehearsals on tele. I have done t.v work before but not a "Game Show". We all had to wear what we would wear if we were going out on a Saturday night clubbing!!!
Right! I don't go clubbing, I was 17 when I last went clubbing and I cant fit in to those jeans anymore. So took some pretty dresses, comfy shoes...but nice. I was pretty surprised to see what some of the other girls had brought to wear. I did realize it was a t.v show but really girls. I love you all but those tits are basically resting on your buzzer. Fake eye lashes, extensions galore and the highest high heal shoes I have ever seen. Each to their own. I couldn't make the filming for the rest of the shows so ya wont see me on it. But still keep in touch with a few of the girls so fingers crossed they get a man...somewhere....somehow.
Dr Who Mr Tennnnnnannnnnnts gone. I'm sad. I only tarted watching it because it was that guy who was played Casanova in the t.v series. He was a great Dr, loved his acting and loved his passion. Lets hope Mr Smith all the best for his star turn.
Celebrity Big Bother...sorry, Big Brother. Sorry. Just not worth writing about really is it. Don't watch it. Paint by numbers instead.
I am now off to sleep and will hopefully wake with a plan of what to do in 2010. I have ideas and aims but all a bit high at the moment. Maybe I should start with those 3 draws and see where my new bra`s take me! maybe to a new man, new job, new goal, a Happier Year x
Saturday, 26 December 2009
Shit!
I have an empty diary.
This should be worrying.
It is.
How the fuck did that happen?
I must sort it out immediately and buy a pen.
Have a wonderful 2010! x
Monday, 21 December 2009
Cardboard Door
If I told you -
"Yes I will now in a minute".........
Basically means, once I'm doing what I'm doing, yes I will happily decorate the presents more with bows and tags from last Christmas.
Why do we bother wrapping up presents that we/you have already seen...or even worn/used/read/watched etc....to wrap it up "for Christmas". So you have something to "OPEN", on Christmas day.
Why don't we have a bag full of paper in a big bin bag and just put it next to the unwrapped presents. Saves time, effort and paper cuts. This way, Christmas morning can be spent sleeping till 1pm. LUSH!
I used to spend the whole year looking forward to Crimbo when I was young. The excitement of just opening a cardboard door to find a festive shaped chocolate on the 12Th of December would drive my parents insane! I would sit there Shaking with my cornflakes bowl resting on my lap and the chocolate on the side. "You can eat your advent chocolate, After your breakfast".
I ate mine and my sisters one day and was nearly sick from all the excitement and nerves that she would find out. One year our mum got us advent calenders that didn't have Chocolates behind the door, but pictures. That wasn't a good year for anyone.
Even though the cupboards are full to the ledges of festive food, you still cant eat any of it "till Christmas, now put it back". I remember walking into the family living room at the age of 7 or 8 with a Chocolate Yule Log, holding it out in front of me, just to get the look off my mam. Her look was enough.
Eyes Brows up = sssssssssssss exciting, yep give it here, go and get a knife and 4 plates.
Confused Eyes Brows = really didn't know what this one meant...... would just stand there till her eyes brows changed.
Christmas is definitely all about Family. You may not see your cousins from year to year. But Christmas day they will give you a big hug and keep topping up your glass of Balies.
My sister wont be back this year for Christmas. But if she could I know she would. She will be missed by all the Family. Hope you have a lovely one babes and I look forward to the extra roasts.
Remember, Family are not just for Christmas, they are for Boxing day too so don't think you have to eat everything in one day!
"Yes I will now in a minute".........
Basically means, once I'm doing what I'm doing, yes I will happily decorate the presents more with bows and tags from last Christmas.
Why do we bother wrapping up presents that we/you have already seen...or even worn/used/read/watched etc....to wrap it up "for Christmas". So you have something to "OPEN", on Christmas day.
Why don't we have a bag full of paper in a big bin bag and just put it next to the unwrapped presents. Saves time, effort and paper cuts. This way, Christmas morning can be spent sleeping till 1pm. LUSH!
I used to spend the whole year looking forward to Crimbo when I was young. The excitement of just opening a cardboard door to find a festive shaped chocolate on the 12Th of December would drive my parents insane! I would sit there Shaking with my cornflakes bowl resting on my lap and the chocolate on the side. "You can eat your advent chocolate, After your breakfast".
I ate mine and my sisters one day and was nearly sick from all the excitement and nerves that she would find out. One year our mum got us advent calenders that didn't have Chocolates behind the door, but pictures. That wasn't a good year for anyone.
Even though the cupboards are full to the ledges of festive food, you still cant eat any of it "till Christmas, now put it back". I remember walking into the family living room at the age of 7 or 8 with a Chocolate Yule Log, holding it out in front of me, just to get the look off my mam. Her look was enough.
Eyes Brows up = sssssssssssss exciting, yep give it here, go and get a knife and 4 plates.
Confused Eyes Brows = really didn't know what this one meant...... would just stand there till her eyes brows changed.
Christmas is definitely all about Family. You may not see your cousins from year to year. But Christmas day they will give you a big hug and keep topping up your glass of Balies.
My sister wont be back this year for Christmas. But if she could I know she would. She will be missed by all the Family. Hope you have a lovely one babes and I look forward to the extra roasts.
Remember, Family are not just for Christmas, they are for Boxing day too so don't think you have to eat everything in one day!
Friday, 18 December 2009
"Aaaaarrrgh", I gripped onto the arms of the Dentist chair. My Father Christmas looking Dentist pulled the drill out of my ,not numb enough, mouth.
"I thought you said you couldn't feel your bottom lip when I touched it", Father Christmas questioned.
I sat there with my sleeves pulled over my hand, gripping onto them tightly. He then sat me back and gave me yet another injection. The first one was horrid. I wont go into it. I hate needles. There was definite crying. So as I was mildly numb...but not enough. The second injection was a breeze!
While sitting in the waiting room, letting my left sid of my face flop free as I read "Heat".... there was this article on a girl who had an affair with her Nanna`s boyfriend. His name was Jack and he was 66....the Girl, Keely....yep! "KEELY", was a mear 26!!! I sat there reading it with a half shocked face....the other looking more like Jacks. My Godfathers brother Kim walked in and sat next to me, he was waiting for a simple check up. He was asking me how everything was going "up there in London?", By this point the anaesthetic had started to reach the nerves near my eye. I really did start to look like I was having a stroke.
I muttered and dribbled the word "Brilllllliaaaant" hoping this would be a simple and well worth answer for Kim. It was.
5 minuets later I was "back in the chair". He smiled and pulled my sleeves up towards my elbows to prove to him I wasn't scared anymore. I'm quite chilled about it. "Punch me! Go on! I dare ya!"....Father Christmas brought the drill out instead.
I decided to go for a silver filling, apparently they last longer and look more "Street". I said "go for it dude, fill me up!!"
He continued to talk to me while fiddling in my mouth.
"I miss the great paint smell this time of year, I'm usually in a panto. My ex wife was always the leading woman, but always played children. You see she looked like a 14 year old up to the age of 40. Shes 46 now and looks, well, bad."
It was at that point I had a suspision that my Father Christmas may be a paedophill,
"Merry Christmas!" I text on my phone and showed Mr Dentist man and his assistant, then made my way to the coffee shop down stairs to meet Mrs & Mr H.
After my quaint visit to the dentist Mr, Mrs and I did some shopping and ended up in Tescos. I was freezing and still numb. Still unable to talk, I pointed to Tescos cafe and they instantly understood that I wasnt shopping that I was going to sit in there. In the Warm, with yet another coffee.
I sat and played on my phone. Old women came into the cafe and most of them looked straight at me and said " Its bloody lovely ain't it?!", "oooo, Now....yes... I like it"..
I sat there and nodded. It must be new. I did not know that.
Then the best thing that could ever happen in a Tescos, Happened.
KARAOKE!
A man from the local Opera Company of the village sang classic Christmas songs near the entrance of the store. He was raising money for some charity. Brilliant!
I turned my chair so I could watch peoples reactions as they passed the singer. PRICELESS!
He really was Tescos Christmas Special. Two till girls then sang the "Weather Girl"...one in key the other just saying the words. En-ter-tain-ment!
My mother and father had finished shopping and my mum put her name and mine down to sing. I insisted that it was "never gonna happen". I watched my mum and the man try and duet, Leona Lewis`s Hallelujah. Thanks Mam, dad went and put the shopping in the boot of the car. I stood by this man in a suit. The "Manager" of the Tescos. My mum then insisted I sand . The manager looked at me and said, "oh bloody lovely".
How could I say "NO!" ???
Instead I asked the opera dude if he had the backing for River Deep Mountain High , Tina Turners Version. He did. I sang. A crowd gathered. I still held the side of my mouth that was still totally numb. The Opera man asked if I would stay and sing 12 more. I said NO!...Thank you.
I have to go now, Mrs H want to check her e-mail and look at her farm Ville.
big love.
"I thought you said you couldn't feel your bottom lip when I touched it", Father Christmas questioned.
I sat there with my sleeves pulled over my hand, gripping onto them tightly. He then sat me back and gave me yet another injection. The first one was horrid. I wont go into it. I hate needles. There was definite crying. So as I was mildly numb...but not enough. The second injection was a breeze!
While sitting in the waiting room, letting my left sid of my face flop free as I read "Heat".... there was this article on a girl who had an affair with her Nanna`s boyfriend. His name was Jack and he was 66....the Girl, Keely....yep! "KEELY", was a mear 26!!! I sat there reading it with a half shocked face....the other looking more like Jacks. My Godfathers brother Kim walked in and sat next to me, he was waiting for a simple check up. He was asking me how everything was going "up there in London?", By this point the anaesthetic had started to reach the nerves near my eye. I really did start to look like I was having a stroke.
I muttered and dribbled the word "Brilllllliaaaant" hoping this would be a simple and well worth answer for Kim. It was.
5 minuets later I was "back in the chair". He smiled and pulled my sleeves up towards my elbows to prove to him I wasn't scared anymore. I'm quite chilled about it. "Punch me! Go on! I dare ya!"....Father Christmas brought the drill out instead.
I decided to go for a silver filling, apparently they last longer and look more "Street". I said "go for it dude, fill me up!!"
He continued to talk to me while fiddling in my mouth.
"I miss the great paint smell this time of year, I'm usually in a panto. My ex wife was always the leading woman, but always played children. You see she looked like a 14 year old up to the age of 40. Shes 46 now and looks, well, bad."
It was at that point I had a suspision that my Father Christmas may be a paedophill,
"Merry Christmas!" I text on my phone and showed Mr Dentist man and his assistant, then made my way to the coffee shop down stairs to meet Mrs & Mr H.
After my quaint visit to the dentist Mr, Mrs and I did some shopping and ended up in Tescos. I was freezing and still numb. Still unable to talk, I pointed to Tescos cafe and they instantly understood that I wasnt shopping that I was going to sit in there. In the Warm, with yet another coffee.
I sat and played on my phone. Old women came into the cafe and most of them looked straight at me and said " Its bloody lovely ain't it?!", "oooo, Now....yes... I like it"..
I sat there and nodded. It must be new. I did not know that.
Then the best thing that could ever happen in a Tescos, Happened.
KARAOKE!
A man from the local Opera Company of the village sang classic Christmas songs near the entrance of the store. He was raising money for some charity. Brilliant!
I turned my chair so I could watch peoples reactions as they passed the singer. PRICELESS!
He really was Tescos Christmas Special. Two till girls then sang the "Weather Girl"...one in key the other just saying the words. En-ter-tain-ment!
My mother and father had finished shopping and my mum put her name and mine down to sing. I insisted that it was "never gonna happen". I watched my mum and the man try and duet, Leona Lewis`s Hallelujah. Thanks Mam, dad went and put the shopping in the boot of the car. I stood by this man in a suit. The "Manager" of the Tescos. My mum then insisted I sand . The manager looked at me and said, "oh bloody lovely".
How could I say "NO!" ???
Instead I asked the opera dude if he had the backing for River Deep Mountain High , Tina Turners Version. He did. I sang. A crowd gathered. I still held the side of my mouth that was still totally numb. The Opera man asked if I would stay and sing 12 more. I said NO!...Thank you.
I have to go now, Mrs H want to check her e-mail and look at her farm Ville.
big love.
Thursday, 17 December 2009
Slippers yeah??
CHRIST`mas (fucking) shopping was the main goal for Mrs Hanbury today (my mam). We started the day at 9am and I had the hottest shower just to compensate for the icy temperature of the house. My flat in London is always hot, sometimes a little too hot. How the hell could a house be this cold. I had never noticed it before, like my Welsh, strong, thermal blood was evolving into that of a... do I dare say it?.... a lifeless turkeys skin. Visually too! Its all wrong. So yeah, I basically burnt my skin with the shower heat. Mid-GLAM!
I yelled down the stairs for Mrs H to put the kettle on. Everyone yells in Wales. I FORGOT THIS TOO!!!(see?! yelling!)
Never the one to be prepared for such weathers as 5 inches of snow before I packed and left London yesterday morning. I dressed into something that was part "Maggie" (from the Simpsons), part Audrey Hepburn. Thick tights, patent black pumps, a stripy jersey dress and a double breasted, sued brown coat....and sunglasses! IT WAS SUNNY! (<-- yelling!) My beautiful Nanna, Mrs H and I`s first stop was The Princess of Wales Hospital, Bridgend. Beautiful Nanna was having a check up and so Mrs H and I waited in....a corridor. Mrs H had read in "Take -A-Break" that women all over the country had been given money for sending in photos of things that look like a face. You know how a upside down plug can look like a face etc.... Well! We found the best face ever! (picture above!) We told Beautiful Nanna of our new game when she came back and she said we should have taken another photo with the tap on.....so it looked like the face had a "running" nose! NICE!!! Our next stop was Currys, Commet, M&S, Next and a pee. Mrs H had pointed out a fallen over inflatable Santa on a round about. Mrs H couldn't just laugh and turn off the round about. She kept going around and informed my grandmother and I that it looked like Santa was fucking someone. Mrs H has an eye for these things. Its a talent. A good 7 hours later ,snow drifted by. We were all cold and getting a little moody with each other. Shopping wasn't fun anymore. We wernt looking for "nice things" to get people. We were now picking up things just because it CHRISTMAS! Why does it have to be about presents?? Cant we all just go paint balling instead? Suggestions of what we "SHOULD" do on Christmas day are more than welcome. You have been lovely and I dare say, Im sure I will blog something far more entertaining in the next couple of days before the big dead Turkey is presented as a table decoration. Keep well. Wrap up warm. Drink your parents booze on the sly! x
I yelled down the stairs for Mrs H to put the kettle on. Everyone yells in Wales. I FORGOT THIS TOO!!!(see?! yelling!)
Never the one to be prepared for such weathers as 5 inches of snow before I packed and left London yesterday morning. I dressed into something that was part "Maggie" (from the Simpsons), part Audrey Hepburn. Thick tights, patent black pumps, a stripy jersey dress and a double breasted, sued brown coat....and sunglasses! IT WAS SUNNY! (<-- yelling!) My beautiful Nanna, Mrs H and I`s first stop was The Princess of Wales Hospital, Bridgend. Beautiful Nanna was having a check up and so Mrs H and I waited in....a corridor. Mrs H had read in "Take -A-Break" that women all over the country had been given money for sending in photos of things that look like a face. You know how a upside down plug can look like a face etc.... Well! We found the best face ever! (picture above!) We told Beautiful Nanna of our new game when she came back and she said we should have taken another photo with the tap on.....so it looked like the face had a "running" nose! NICE!!! Our next stop was Currys, Commet, M&S, Next and a pee. Mrs H had pointed out a fallen over inflatable Santa on a round about. Mrs H couldn't just laugh and turn off the round about. She kept going around and informed my grandmother and I that it looked like Santa was fucking someone. Mrs H has an eye for these things. Its a talent. A good 7 hours later ,snow drifted by. We were all cold and getting a little moody with each other. Shopping wasn't fun anymore. We wernt looking for "nice things" to get people. We were now picking up things just because it CHRISTMAS! Why does it have to be about presents?? Cant we all just go paint balling instead? Suggestions of what we "SHOULD" do on Christmas day are more than welcome. You have been lovely and I dare say, Im sure I will blog something far more entertaining in the next couple of days before the big dead Turkey is presented as a table decoration. Keep well. Wrap up warm. Drink your parents booze on the sly! x
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Somethings are best left alone.
Tweet Deck.......a programme that simply lets you update all your sites , myspace, twitter, facebook etc all with one click.
washer tumble dryer......machine washes your odd socks and dries them in one easy session.
Shampoo and Conditioner......one lather one rinse....clean silky hair! Lush!
Now, this is all great! but there are somethings that are best left all alone.
1. Will Young. He was ok in his day but there are better versions of him out now (that guy Ollie on X Factor sounds just like him). His "new album" of his "hits"....Really? do we need all his songs together with all his other songs??? I don't mind listening to one of his songs between some other crap...but not ont...after..the ..other, like peas that your mum is making you eat.
2. Alan Carr AND Michael McIntyre both skipping. Enough said I think.
3. Matching socks
Thats all for today.
You have been great,
mucho love
washer tumble dryer......machine washes your odd socks and dries them in one easy session.
Shampoo and Conditioner......one lather one rinse....clean silky hair! Lush!
Now, this is all great! but there are somethings that are best left all alone.
1. Will Young. He was ok in his day but there are better versions of him out now (that guy Ollie on X Factor sounds just like him). His "new album" of his "hits"....Really? do we need all his songs together with all his other songs??? I don't mind listening to one of his songs between some other crap...but not ont...after..the ..other, like peas that your mum is making you eat.
2. Alan Carr AND Michael McIntyre both skipping. Enough said I think.
3. Matching socks
Thats all for today.
You have been great,
mucho love
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Sick in my Hands....
I decided that i would take a little holiday, back at my home in Wales,when I was still in Edinburgh. I was feeling pretty ill, tired and all I wanted to do was have my mammy cook me dinner and have my dad make me watch all the, "Good Films On Sky".
So after Warren and I arrived back in Londons Kings Angry we had to dash and catch the last tube to actually make it physically HOME!....My London flat is lovely and homely, but it just wasnt good enough. I wanted mammy and Daddy! Yep I turned into an eight year old with a scraped knee...I didnt even want chocolate or Now 17, I just wanted them.
A week passed...in London...not a long time realy, when all I did was cough and attempted to sort out my sleeping pattern so I wasn`t getting hungry at 5 am in the morning or craving a crepe`. I naturally woke up one morning and booked my Mega Bus to Wales! YAY! MEGA BUS!...I really dont mind the Mega Bus (lets call it MB), Its cheap, quite comfortable and always pretty empty going to Cardiff. My MB was booked for the Wednesday week after the end of Edinburgh. 12 noon from Victoria.NICE!
The night before was the lovely Carrie Marx`sssss Birthday! We drank, sang and wore sexy waistcoats and had a lovely evening....I Belieeeeeve I got pretty drunk and was still a little tipsy when I left the Newton/Doody/Marx flat in the morning. I gently made my way to Victoria station with hand lugage sized bag on one drunken shoulder.HOT! It was! SOOOOOOOOOOOOO Hot! Why now? why has the sun decided to come out now? Now that I`m leaving to go to Cats and Dogs Wales?!
The MB Driver welcomed me onto the coach " Aright Beaut!" and I sat close to the front so I had maximum vision of the road from my seat..(IMPORTANT!)....Yes the one with LOTS of leg room...its meant for wheel chairs, if they dare to board! I had an ice cold bottle of water from the coach station and 2 oranges from the Newton/Doody/Marx flat (thank you) , took my jacket and scarf off and made myself pretty comfortable. hmmmm.
2PM!!!!!! I woke up...oranges and an ice cold bottle of water still on my lap and my mobile flashing from all the missed calls of my mam. At that point, the MB wasnt the place i wanted to be AT ALL! My head hurt and i wanted my bed...ANY BED! YOUR BED!.......WHERE ARE THE BEDS??!!!...So had no other plans but to eat the oranges(thanks..lovely too!) and went back to bed...no! Sleep!...only for 5 mins this time...The MB decided at that point that it needed to be colder. The (A Bit Toooo) Welsh driver pumped up the A.C and i nearly shivered my boobs off. My ice-cold bottle of water was more like a hot water bottle! My body didnt know what the Hell was going on...
Then it began!....the WATERY MOUTH!...Yes! I was going to be SICK! .....I sat there for about the length of 20 MB`s, and tried to control this urge to be Sick. I havent been sick for a Long time and the last was over a toilet with my sister holding my hair back...normal situation. NOT AT THE FRONT OF THE MEGA BUS TO CARDIFF!
What do I do? Wait for it to pass and hope it just slides back down the gullet? Whisper to it and say, "its just not the right time"..."people will hate you! ". Pretend to be dead and when someone checks for a pulse ONLY then let it all flow out. NO! none of these would do. Me and my sheet of kitchen roll that I had used to wrap up my oranges (thank you,yes..very handy) were going to tackle this situation hands on. PHYSICALLY! I placed the sheet into my cupped hands and debated on running to the toilet at the back of the bus...but the probability of being sick over an angry Welsh woman would have been Mega high.Too high. She would have talked to me in welsh and thats the worst thing ever! I sat there and pleaded to a God, that I wouldnt be more sick than my hands could cup. Thank you "That God". It reached the brim of my thumbs. SHIT! What should I do now? ...I didnt think about the aftermath. What was I going to do with cupped hands full of sick?
So I sat with my insides in my hands for a little while, Catching my breath and pretending to others around that "i just coughed...thats all".There was only one thing i could do. EAT IT! ....NO, SERIOUSLY. I did have plan B. Plan B is what I went with. I placed the cup of sick on the floor like a new born so it wouldnt spill or cry. Used the orange peel (thank you,again!) to wipe a bit of sick from the corner of my mouth and ran to the toilet. Yes there was still a bit of sick waiting to depart The Hanbury Hole. I rolled a MB length of toilet paper around my hand and stuck it down my leggings. Did I not only have the sweet sent of sick, I also looked like i had a massive willy.SEX-Y!
I shivered back to my seat and covered, lifted and packaged my sick into a corner with my man size amount of toilet paper. It was only then that i realized i also had a little bit of sick on one of my boots.I then felt like the most classy girl on that bus! I had finally done all my prep work before getting off the bus at lovely CAERDEDD! YES! CARDIFF! I was HOME! Nearly.....still a train and another bloody bus to go.
Tom.......lovely lovely Tom.
Tom is a friend from London, whos actually a proper Welsh man.Well hes from North Wales and speaks the language very well. But has been living in London for the last 15 years and had decided to move to Cardiff to live for a while. This was nice! We had planned to have a coffee near the castle when I arrived and to have a catch up. He had only moved to Cardiff for a week, so was missing London a bit! Me Too at that point!
I told Tom all about my sick cup and how its was nice to see him and that coffee would be LOVELY! ITS WAS STILL HOT OUTSIDE! This was nice but not nice for my sicky boot. (dont worry, its all clean now, but i will point out to you where i was sick if you ever want to know....you might?!...i would)
I missed 2 of the possible trains to Bridgend, they were packed full of Wales supporters and Welsh people. Horrible! It was fine because Tom and I were taking in the culture of Cardiff! the Castle/pubs and shops. There were 3 shops that stood out at us when drinking our welsh lattes. The Welsh Information Centre, usless for me....cant speak a word. The Welsh LoveSpoon Gallery, only allowed to look...Do Not Touch!!! or BUY!!! And our favourite shop- THINGS WELSH. Yes, the Things Welsh shop is real and I demand you to go inside and see some usless things that claime to be WELSH! Like a Marolin Monroe Clock -WELSH! The London Eye album book - WELSH! A shelf of Golly Wogs in all sizes - WELSH! A random Liverpool shirt- WELSH! Cow boy hats in all shapes and sexualities - WELSH! We left after and I managed to catch a train to Bridgend. Then a bus to my mam and dads house, Hearts of Oak, Nantyffyllon, Maesteg. BRILLLLLLLIANT!
My visit/Holiday to Wales has been bloody magical to be honest with you babes. The people I grew up with and love all around me and places I spent going out on the pull were still there, but now they`re called THE ZONE or CAR PARK.
My mornings out with my mam (SUE)to Maesteg Town are always quite eventful. Forgetting that most of Wales have seen my naked body from being in Wales on Sunday for The warren & Hanbury Stunt up Arthur Seat. Alot of people cant really look me in the eyes but the ones who can REALLY DO LOOK! AND SMILE! Sue knows too many people, its not a problem, but it is when she talks to ALL of them when all we`ve got is a shopping list for potatoes and cheese. She rarely calles me Charlotte when we`re out, its mainly "Fanny" or "Trouble"....but mainly "Fanny". Its something I have only noticed since being back. A woman she was talking to today actually said "bye Sue, bye Fanny" .I should have hit her. But I didnt. I was carrying too many potatoes.
I made a new friend! His name is Twix and he belongs to next door, but Sue has started feeding him. Since Jade and Taz died, Twix has become a new addition to the family. Twix is a 11 month old Kitten/Cat. KIT KAT they should have called it! looks nothing like a twix. Im not a cat person At All, but this one is kinda nice. I still dont get the bity scrammy attraction, but this one is a bit dopy and likes to just be COOL. COOL CAT!I might get one.....a Twix..havent had one in ages! YUM!
The daddy Hanbury (GEORGE) SUE & I, Oh & Tom went to Porthcawl Town last Sunday. We had ice-cream and walked along the front (the beach)....The weather was beautiful! better than sicky bus days weather. We sat on a bench, the 4 of us...eating ice-cream like it was a Family Competition PRIZE Day Out. We ate in silence, but looked LOUDLY! The 4 of us were all watching the passers by. One little boy stopped infront of us and shouted at his dad "I DONT WANT TO WEAR MY SHOES AND I WANT SOME ICE-CREAM!". The father turned around and watched his son, who was bare footed stare at the 4 of us. At this point I knew what to do. As the boys father was putting on his sons shoes back on, I was sliding mine off and slowly ate my ice-cream! YEAH! THAT SHOWED HIM! DONT SHOUT LITTLE BOY! JUST GROW!...stupid.
Oh, nearly forgot to share IKEA with you. Now! Sue and George wanted to bring a shoe rack box back to change because they had picked up the wrong colour wood like box and this wasnt OK. So that needed to be changed. We started by talking the flat pack back and getting money back to START ALL OVER AGAIN. But we started with FREE Coffee, think my dad has learnt now that caffeen Does help when in a warehouse of stuff he doesnt need,just so he keep Sue on the right tracks.free coffee? YES! FAMILY IKEA CARD! get one! Oh, forgot. before we even got to the cafe part of Ikea, my mum had picked up a pair of yellow crocks (plastic shoes) and 2 purple umbrellas. Yes, the crocks were a present for me. THANKS MAM! REALLY! WOW! YELLOW?! right...ok. Thats when Coffee was the best segue idea. George managed to drink 5 cups, I had 2 and Sues had 2 cups of hot choc and a cup of coke.MONIES WORTH! YES! FREE!Sue also bought some pear cider,cakes, a plant and i got 50 tea light and 12 glass holders...BECAUSE I NEED THEM OK?! My friend Simon also told me that he put his picture in the display picture frames in the bedroom layouts at Ikea, so had to see if any were still there...NOT ANY MORE SIMON! ITS MY FACE NOW!
Sue had said something about going to the Cinema after Ikea and that was the only thing that was getting me through the day in a warehouse of crap. We got there pretty late and the best thing that was still showing was "JULIE & JULIA" with Meryl Streep. Good film, all about cooking and bloging and I cried a bit too. Silly! Why dont people Clap at the end of Films? I did anyway. I think its nice too and mainly because i had been quiet for too long. NOISE IS GOOOOOOOOOOOD!
Before the film began, the 3 of us had a "SHHHhh" Off. I WAN! It was quite but I did it! I wanted to doit so i totally dadit! I DADIT!(New word! "DADIT")
Wales is nice.
Your nice too.
So after Warren and I arrived back in Londons Kings Angry we had to dash and catch the last tube to actually make it physically HOME!....My London flat is lovely and homely, but it just wasnt good enough. I wanted mammy and Daddy! Yep I turned into an eight year old with a scraped knee...I didnt even want chocolate or Now 17, I just wanted them.
A week passed...in London...not a long time realy, when all I did was cough and attempted to sort out my sleeping pattern so I wasn`t getting hungry at 5 am in the morning or craving a crepe`. I naturally woke up one morning and booked my Mega Bus to Wales! YAY! MEGA BUS!...I really dont mind the Mega Bus (lets call it MB), Its cheap, quite comfortable and always pretty empty going to Cardiff. My MB was booked for the Wednesday week after the end of Edinburgh. 12 noon from Victoria.NICE!
The night before was the lovely Carrie Marx`sssss Birthday! We drank, sang and wore sexy waistcoats and had a lovely evening....I Belieeeeeve I got pretty drunk and was still a little tipsy when I left the Newton/Doody/Marx flat in the morning. I gently made my way to Victoria station with hand lugage sized bag on one drunken shoulder.HOT! It was! SOOOOOOOOOOOOO Hot! Why now? why has the sun decided to come out now? Now that I`m leaving to go to Cats and Dogs Wales?!
The MB Driver welcomed me onto the coach " Aright Beaut!" and I sat close to the front so I had maximum vision of the road from my seat..(IMPORTANT!)....Yes the one with LOTS of leg room...its meant for wheel chairs, if they dare to board! I had an ice cold bottle of water from the coach station and 2 oranges from the Newton/Doody/Marx flat (thank you) , took my jacket and scarf off and made myself pretty comfortable. hmmmm.
2PM!!!!!! I woke up...oranges and an ice cold bottle of water still on my lap and my mobile flashing from all the missed calls of my mam. At that point, the MB wasnt the place i wanted to be AT ALL! My head hurt and i wanted my bed...ANY BED! YOUR BED!.......WHERE ARE THE BEDS??!!!...So had no other plans but to eat the oranges(thanks..lovely too!) and went back to bed...no! Sleep!...only for 5 mins this time...The MB decided at that point that it needed to be colder. The (A Bit Toooo) Welsh driver pumped up the A.C and i nearly shivered my boobs off. My ice-cold bottle of water was more like a hot water bottle! My body didnt know what the Hell was going on...
Then it began!....the WATERY MOUTH!...Yes! I was going to be SICK! .....I sat there for about the length of 20 MB`s, and tried to control this urge to be Sick. I havent been sick for a Long time and the last was over a toilet with my sister holding my hair back...normal situation. NOT AT THE FRONT OF THE MEGA BUS TO CARDIFF!
What do I do? Wait for it to pass and hope it just slides back down the gullet? Whisper to it and say, "its just not the right time"..."people will hate you! ". Pretend to be dead and when someone checks for a pulse ONLY then let it all flow out. NO! none of these would do. Me and my sheet of kitchen roll that I had used to wrap up my oranges (thank you,yes..very handy) were going to tackle this situation hands on. PHYSICALLY! I placed the sheet into my cupped hands and debated on running to the toilet at the back of the bus...but the probability of being sick over an angry Welsh woman would have been Mega high.Too high. She would have talked to me in welsh and thats the worst thing ever! I sat there and pleaded to a God, that I wouldnt be more sick than my hands could cup. Thank you "That God". It reached the brim of my thumbs. SHIT! What should I do now? ...I didnt think about the aftermath. What was I going to do with cupped hands full of sick?
So I sat with my insides in my hands for a little while, Catching my breath and pretending to others around that "i just coughed...thats all".There was only one thing i could do. EAT IT! ....NO, SERIOUSLY. I did have plan B. Plan B is what I went with. I placed the cup of sick on the floor like a new born so it wouldnt spill or cry. Used the orange peel (thank you,again!) to wipe a bit of sick from the corner of my mouth and ran to the toilet. Yes there was still a bit of sick waiting to depart The Hanbury Hole. I rolled a MB length of toilet paper around my hand and stuck it down my leggings. Did I not only have the sweet sent of sick, I also looked like i had a massive willy.SEX-Y!
I shivered back to my seat and covered, lifted and packaged my sick into a corner with my man size amount of toilet paper. It was only then that i realized i also had a little bit of sick on one of my boots.I then felt like the most classy girl on that bus! I had finally done all my prep work before getting off the bus at lovely CAERDEDD! YES! CARDIFF! I was HOME! Nearly.....still a train and another bloody bus to go.
Tom.......lovely lovely Tom.
Tom is a friend from London, whos actually a proper Welsh man.Well hes from North Wales and speaks the language very well. But has been living in London for the last 15 years and had decided to move to Cardiff to live for a while. This was nice! We had planned to have a coffee near the castle when I arrived and to have a catch up. He had only moved to Cardiff for a week, so was missing London a bit! Me Too at that point!
I told Tom all about my sick cup and how its was nice to see him and that coffee would be LOVELY! ITS WAS STILL HOT OUTSIDE! This was nice but not nice for my sicky boot. (dont worry, its all clean now, but i will point out to you where i was sick if you ever want to know....you might?!...i would)
I missed 2 of the possible trains to Bridgend, they were packed full of Wales supporters and Welsh people. Horrible! It was fine because Tom and I were taking in the culture of Cardiff! the Castle/pubs and shops. There were 3 shops that stood out at us when drinking our welsh lattes. The Welsh Information Centre, usless for me....cant speak a word. The Welsh LoveSpoon Gallery, only allowed to look...Do Not Touch!!! or BUY!!! And our favourite shop- THINGS WELSH. Yes, the Things Welsh shop is real and I demand you to go inside and see some usless things that claime to be WELSH! Like a Marolin Monroe Clock -WELSH! The London Eye album book - WELSH! A shelf of Golly Wogs in all sizes - WELSH! A random Liverpool shirt- WELSH! Cow boy hats in all shapes and sexualities - WELSH! We left after and I managed to catch a train to Bridgend. Then a bus to my mam and dads house, Hearts of Oak, Nantyffyllon, Maesteg. BRILLLLLLLIANT!
My visit/Holiday to Wales has been bloody magical to be honest with you babes. The people I grew up with and love all around me and places I spent going out on the pull were still there, but now they`re called THE ZONE or CAR PARK.
My mornings out with my mam (SUE)to Maesteg Town are always quite eventful. Forgetting that most of Wales have seen my naked body from being in Wales on Sunday for The warren & Hanbury Stunt up Arthur Seat. Alot of people cant really look me in the eyes but the ones who can REALLY DO LOOK! AND SMILE! Sue knows too many people, its not a problem, but it is when she talks to ALL of them when all we`ve got is a shopping list for potatoes and cheese. She rarely calles me Charlotte when we`re out, its mainly "Fanny" or "Trouble"....but mainly "Fanny". Its something I have only noticed since being back. A woman she was talking to today actually said "bye Sue, bye Fanny" .I should have hit her. But I didnt. I was carrying too many potatoes.
I made a new friend! His name is Twix and he belongs to next door, but Sue has started feeding him. Since Jade and Taz died, Twix has become a new addition to the family. Twix is a 11 month old Kitten/Cat. KIT KAT they should have called it! looks nothing like a twix. Im not a cat person At All, but this one is kinda nice. I still dont get the bity scrammy attraction, but this one is a bit dopy and likes to just be COOL. COOL CAT!I might get one.....a Twix..havent had one in ages! YUM!
The daddy Hanbury (GEORGE) SUE & I, Oh & Tom went to Porthcawl Town last Sunday. We had ice-cream and walked along the front (the beach)....The weather was beautiful! better than sicky bus days weather. We sat on a bench, the 4 of us...eating ice-cream like it was a Family Competition PRIZE Day Out. We ate in silence, but looked LOUDLY! The 4 of us were all watching the passers by. One little boy stopped infront of us and shouted at his dad "I DONT WANT TO WEAR MY SHOES AND I WANT SOME ICE-CREAM!". The father turned around and watched his son, who was bare footed stare at the 4 of us. At this point I knew what to do. As the boys father was putting on his sons shoes back on, I was sliding mine off and slowly ate my ice-cream! YEAH! THAT SHOWED HIM! DONT SHOUT LITTLE BOY! JUST GROW!...stupid.
Oh, nearly forgot to share IKEA with you. Now! Sue and George wanted to bring a shoe rack box back to change because they had picked up the wrong colour wood like box and this wasnt OK. So that needed to be changed. We started by talking the flat pack back and getting money back to START ALL OVER AGAIN. But we started with FREE Coffee, think my dad has learnt now that caffeen Does help when in a warehouse of stuff he doesnt need,just so he keep Sue on the right tracks.free coffee? YES! FAMILY IKEA CARD! get one! Oh, forgot. before we even got to the cafe part of Ikea, my mum had picked up a pair of yellow crocks (plastic shoes) and 2 purple umbrellas. Yes, the crocks were a present for me. THANKS MAM! REALLY! WOW! YELLOW?! right...ok. Thats when Coffee was the best segue idea. George managed to drink 5 cups, I had 2 and Sues had 2 cups of hot choc and a cup of coke.MONIES WORTH! YES! FREE!Sue also bought some pear cider,cakes, a plant and i got 50 tea light and 12 glass holders...BECAUSE I NEED THEM OK?! My friend Simon also told me that he put his picture in the display picture frames in the bedroom layouts at Ikea, so had to see if any were still there...NOT ANY MORE SIMON! ITS MY FACE NOW!
Sue had said something about going to the Cinema after Ikea and that was the only thing that was getting me through the day in a warehouse of crap. We got there pretty late and the best thing that was still showing was "JULIE & JULIA" with Meryl Streep. Good film, all about cooking and bloging and I cried a bit too. Silly! Why dont people Clap at the end of Films? I did anyway. I think its nice too and mainly because i had been quiet for too long. NOISE IS GOOOOOOOOOOOD!
Before the film began, the 3 of us had a "SHHHhh" Off. I WAN! It was quite but I did it! I wanted to doit so i totally dadit! I DADIT!(New word! "DADIT")
Wales is nice.
Your nice too.
Sunday, 6 December 2009
Brick Lame???
"I spent the day in Brick Lane...... Don't Go There!
Everyone dressed the same, trying to be different,
Lots of people selling shit, like buttons stuck on buttons and their Nan`s Jewellery and cardigans.
People sat in pissy doorways or standing in every ones way eating curry.
Those who spend most of their time there (or ALWAYS there), think they can talk to you about how they have never seen you before. SO!
The worst crepe Ive ever held in my mouth, shit load of posters/flyer's, but the only sign of music being steel drums played by what appeared to be St John's Ambulance.
Lots of frightened tourists hiding in Starbucks and Organic mums buying hemp outfits for their hairy children.
I have some "Indie/emo" cousins and friends , who all look very cool...but aren't into music or even Art.... At All!!
It has nothing to do with the music they listen to or the politics...its rebellious middle class white girls just wanting to wear the opposite of a school uniform, and boys who've always wanted a fringe...take away the tattoos, piercings, eyeliner and hair dye and there not a lot going on. Not in all cases, but I've found a lot to just be an over compensation for lack of personality"
- Thats what this man on the bus told me. Just thought you should know.
Everyone dressed the same, trying to be different,
Lots of people selling shit, like buttons stuck on buttons and their Nan`s Jewellery and cardigans.
People sat in pissy doorways or standing in every ones way eating curry.
Those who spend most of their time there (or ALWAYS there), think they can talk to you about how they have never seen you before. SO!
The worst crepe Ive ever held in my mouth, shit load of posters/flyer's, but the only sign of music being steel drums played by what appeared to be St John's Ambulance.
Lots of frightened tourists hiding in Starbucks and Organic mums buying hemp outfits for their hairy children.
I have some "Indie/emo" cousins and friends , who all look very cool...but aren't into music or even Art.... At All!!
It has nothing to do with the music they listen to or the politics...its rebellious middle class white girls just wanting to wear the opposite of a school uniform, and boys who've always wanted a fringe...take away the tattoos, piercings, eyeliner and hair dye and there not a lot going on. Not in all cases, but I've found a lot to just be an over compensation for lack of personality"
- Thats what this man on the bus told me. Just thought you should know.
Saturday, 5 December 2009
Do you have a line?
Everything has a deadline, even to the simplest things like cheese finally gets too cheesy to digest.
A package that needs to be picked up a week after it was first delivered because you were out heads back to the sender, they hold on to it for a whole week. Forgetting to call a friend back or generally keeping in touch gets mouldy and pushed to the back of the fridge.
Day after day I tend to set a goal or have many deadlines to meet. The deadline isn't a line of death and knowing this I keep pushing my MUST DO line further and further away. Is the deadline more a personal strength and persistence to get things done? What if you "just don't care" about the line? Does it go away? does it get stronger?..harder for you to achieve.... Or is it a closed door waiting for you to find the wright key.
Each door being a step forward, each step being a goal, each goal being an achievement so why don't you knock on that door.
Its your line, your chance, your life, your Cake.
Only buy the best This Christmas at M&S this Season.
A package that needs to be picked up a week after it was first delivered because you were out heads back to the sender, they hold on to it for a whole week. Forgetting to call a friend back or generally keeping in touch gets mouldy and pushed to the back of the fridge.
Day after day I tend to set a goal or have many deadlines to meet. The deadline isn't a line of death and knowing this I keep pushing my MUST DO line further and further away. Is the deadline more a personal strength and persistence to get things done? What if you "just don't care" about the line? Does it go away? does it get stronger?..harder for you to achieve.... Or is it a closed door waiting for you to find the wright key.
Each door being a step forward, each step being a goal, each goal being an achievement so why don't you knock on that door.
Its your line, your chance, your life, your Cake.
Only buy the best This Christmas at M&S this Season.
Thursday, 3 December 2009
Money Box
A man asked me for some phone box change the other day, I managed to get 60p together and placed the silver in his manicured soft hands. The suited, chisel jawed man looked at me, then softly whispered these very words to me, "do you have another pound fifty?". Really? Really?
Wheres your mobile? Who uses a phone box anyway?A 2.10 phone call is stupid! your a stupid, cheeky, beautiful man with beautiful hands! Give me your hand and put it on my face and kiss me you sexy beast.
O.k I dint say that.
But I did hide my anger and real lack of funds and dug deep in my bag and managed to pull out a two pound coin. I held the coin out, teasing him till he took it off me. The beautiful man then said,
"Thank you, I left my phone at home and I really just want to hear my wife`s voice.
I smiled and nodded. Still holding things in my hand that I had pulled out to find the mans needs, two items, a booked called "The Secret" and another called Tampax.
Broken heart, broken dignity, broken bag, broken soul....Priceless.
A smile off a sexy man £2 bloody 60p.
Wheres your mobile? Who uses a phone box anyway?A 2.10 phone call is stupid! your a stupid, cheeky, beautiful man with beautiful hands! Give me your hand and put it on my face and kiss me you sexy beast.
O.k I dint say that.
But I did hide my anger and real lack of funds and dug deep in my bag and managed to pull out a two pound coin. I held the coin out, teasing him till he took it off me. The beautiful man then said,
"Thank you, I left my phone at home and I really just want to hear my wife`s voice.
I smiled and nodded. Still holding things in my hand that I had pulled out to find the mans needs, two items, a booked called "The Secret" and another called Tampax.
Broken heart, broken dignity, broken bag, broken soul....Priceless.
A smile off a sexy man £2 bloody 60p.
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